


Saboo and Me and The Crunch Makes Three

by Anonymous



Series: A Portrait of Kirk the Devious as a Young Man [3]
Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Eldritch Abominations, Other, THE CRUNCH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23374450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kirk and Saboo go to battle The Crunch.
Series: A Portrait of Kirk the Devious as a Young Man [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681165
Kudos: 4
Collections: Anonymous





	Saboo and Me and The Crunch Makes Three

Saboo stood on the cracked Xooberonian lake bed floor with one hand pressing his hat down desperately to his head, the wind causing his hair and black suit jacket to flap ceaselessly around his frame. Kirk knew that the hand was unnecessary, of course, most likely a force of habit by now, as he had seen Saboo's hat stay on in more formidable scenarios than this; on the back of a flying carpet, while passed out drunk hanging over the back of a sofa, after transforming rapidly from flying crow back to human form and not quite sticking the landing.

There's a curved black scabbard on Saboo's hip, with a purple oval stone in the hilt. Kirk's eyes are glued to the feather in his hat, waving in the wind like a plume of black smoke from a burning building.

"This," Saboo shouts over the wind, making a grand sweeping gesture with his unoccupied arm, "Is The Crunch. Not just any crunch, mind you, but THE Crunch."

He drops his hand back down to his side.

"Or, at least it is the crunch we will be dealing with today. Come along now."

He steps back a bit and beckons Kirk to follow him before turning on his heel and looking out at something in the lake bed. After reaching Saboo, Kirk moves forward to see what his mentor is staring at so intently, but Saboo holds a hand out against his chest to stop him from going too far.

At that moment, Kirk realizes that he and Saboo are standing on the lip of an enormous desert crater, which dips about 30 meters down in front of them in a perfect divot, as if intentionally scooped out by an ice cream spoon. Across the length of the crater there is a jagged black crack, splitting the perfect bowl in two. In the deepest part of the pit, somehow shrouded in shadow despite the midday desert sun, Kirk swears he sees something squirming, right along the edge of the dark crevice, perhaps flicking up a small part of itself to peer out from far below. It's quite possible he imagined it, of course, or that it was nothing more than heat rising off of the arid white sand.

As the wind howls away, Saboo raises his voice to explain that the thing in the pit is a thing from another place, which came to the world from behind the stars. Something giant and black and slimy that fell like a meteor and bored deep down under what was at one time an ocean and wrapped itself around the planet's molten core in its sleep, only waking every so often when the tectonic plates shifted. Or perhaps it shook the tectonic plates when it woke and made it's way to the surface. No one knew for sure, and no one knew exactly why it woke either. There was the tectonic plate theory of course, but in the liquid magma of the planet's mantel where the beast slept, it was unlikely such movements could be felt. Some believed it to be in hibernation, waking every so often only to gather enough food for itself in it's next period of slumber, though no one had ever seen the thing eat. It crawled horribly out of it's crater and maimed the livestock and inhabitants of nearby towns, but it never ate- only ever bothering to play with it's food. Some assumed that it was sensitive to the turning of the cosmos, and that it rose to the surface to witness the bicentennial flight of Yurm's Comet, which in turn was perhaps a spaceborne creature like itself. One ancient Xooberonian scholar, Erasmus the Unready, had observed that the beast's cycle of waking once every 200 orbital periods was similar to the heat cycle of the partenogenic whiptail stoat, which slept underground throughout the year and only emerged when in estrus to engage in pseudocopulation before descending into the ground once more to be cannibalized by its young as they ate their way out of the womb. Of course, everyone knew that the last one was ridiculous.

Kirk stares at his mentor once he's stopped talking; unblinking and saying nothing.

"We have to put it back to sleep," Saboo shouts derisively over the wind, as if the answer was obvious.

Kirk thinks for a bit.

"Should we play a song for it?" he shouts back. If he had known the situation beforehand, he wouldn't have left his reed flute at home.

It's likely that Saboo scoffs, but it's impossible to hear.

"We need to knock it out!" Saboo hazards a quick glance down into the pit. Kirk is certain he sees something moving now. "Well, I need to knock it out, anyway. You just hang back and watch. I'm sure Naboo will be here any minute."

Saboo pauses and seems to rethink what he said.

"Or Dennis, at least."

Naboo was meant to show up at some point, but of course, he didn't know the meaning of The Crunch. He had never been there before, so why would he start showing up now? Tony was equally useless with Crunch missions, choosing to empathize with his black cephalopod brethren while watching from the sidelines as a conscientious objector; usually going uninvited as a result. Dennis had promised to be on time, but something had come up last minute like usual, and like usual, Dennis had conveniently pinned the blame on his oblivious and completely unrelated wife. So the task of The Crunch had once again tumbled squarely into the hands of Saboo alone; though now of course he was accompanied by his quite promising, if perhaps slightly dissocial, apprentice.

Kirk watches as Saboo steps over the edge of the bowl, and his previously windswept clothes fall lifeless at his sides. He pulls the curved blade out from the scabbard on his hip and, after giving it a flick, it ignites with a black flame. Something gurgles up from the crack in the pit, and a single, thin, black tendril reaches up out of the ground to stand at Saboo's full height. It surveys him coolly like a charmed snake in a basket as he slides deeper into the pit. With his unoccupied hand, Saboo makes the sign of the mano fico, the sign of the horns and a fist before muttering something under his breath. A roiling black cloud takes shape in the sky above, followed by a streak of white lightning and a resounding thunder clap. In Kirk's ears, the wind howls on.

Against his mentor's judgement, Kirk steps over the edge of the bowl as well, and the wind stops. Even the clap of the thunder is sucked out of the air, replaced by unearthly silence. He no longer feels the sting of sand on his face, the air itself having gone completely still. With a movement of Saboo's hand, a streamer of lightning leaps from the sky and fries the lake bed right to the beast's side. Taking this as a challenge, The Crunch bubbles farther out of the pit, as if standing on its haunches.

Though Saboo doesn't know it, Kirk figures he's probably dealt with worse foes than this on his many trips through the multiverse. There was that off-planet zoo where, for enough money, they let you hunt whatever alien creature you wished and then cooked it for you afterwards. He decided to use a buzz saw that time and later had the thing's head mounted above his bed. There had also been the mammoth from that ice planet he visited. It hadn't been attacking him, but he figured he could get good money for the ivory, so he gave it a look which made it burst into flames. That way he wouldn't have to clean all that gristle and hair off by hand later. And who could forget the giant spider-like creature from those gladiatorial games he fought in after being caught messing around in the Jovian Emperor's harem? For that one, Kirk had merely snapped and made it's heart explode. First the beast, followed swiftly by the Emperor himself. It was a quicker death than he deserved, but it had been fun, being tyrant for a day. Kirk wondered briefly if being thrust abruptly into anarchy had done the planet well; he certainly hoped so. Even now, under his tunic, Kirk can feel the black market blaster strapped to his thigh as he walks in total silence closer to the crack in the ground.

Another strobe of electricity cracks through the air, this time hitting it's target. The Crunch recoils in agony, as if in slow motion, and, though the world is still silent, Kirk can hear it's scream like a needle lancing through his brain. A large section of The Crunch's mass has been blown off by the blast and now lies on the ground to the beast's side, smoldering like meat on a spit. More of the beast's body emerges from the pit to replace it's lost mass. As it grows larger, Saboo raises his flaming blade and plunges it as high as possible into the beast's grimy flank before dragging it downwards, releasing a deluge of black viscous liquid, glistening like motor oil, before the blade emerges with a wet squelch. Around the newly formed gash, the beast's skin bubbles from the searing heat. It's shriek still rings piercingly through Kirk's mind as the Beast lashes a sinewy limb out to strike at Saboo, who in one deft motion slices it off at it's base. With a snap of his fingers, the severed limb, still writhing on the ground, is seared by another burst of electricity and goes still. The Crunch lashes out a second tendril, not at Saboo this time, but at something behind him. Saboo turns and severs the member but in doing so, catches sight of Kirk sneaking up behind him. His eyes lock with Kirk's, who is currently paying no mind to the disembodied eldritch appendage wriggling at his feet.

"Kirk?"

Kirk waves at him with a smile, and The Crunch takes the opportunity to simultaneously wrench the blade out of Saboo's grasp and fling it as hard as it can at Kirk's head while also wrapping a thick appendage around Saboo's ankle and jerking his body onto the ground with a thud. Kirk manages to displace the air just enough so that the blade whizzes past his head and lands sticking out of the sand a meter behind him. Saboo seems momentarily dazed as The Crunch lifts him up by his waist, and the electrical storm overhead fades to a light gale. Kirk watches as a second limb curls around his thigh, and Saboo turns his head as best he can to look behind him.

"Kirk, a little help!"

A third tendril has curled around the side of his face and is now nudging intently at the corner of his mouth.

"Can you hand me my sword? Kirk?" Saboo tries to sign for a storm again, but his hands are being held inextricably to his sides. Kirk only stares as one of the thing's tendrils wriggles stickily up Saboo's back, against his skin, bringing his shirt up with it.

"Kirk, close your eyes!"


End file.
